Stream of Consciousness

07.15.12.00.03

i’m glad i deleted all i could from my last relationship. cus when i’m upset. sometimes i will go back so i can read the fights and feel angry again.

purpose: never let anyone take advantage of me again. i will serve you your walking papers too quick.

i’ve been pulled by my hair, called all types of names, made to feel like shit, a loser, nothing, no one would love me, unloved, abandoned, worthless.

you don’t talk to me like that. you can go somewhere else and to someone else with all that mess. i am no longer interested in finding someone to love me. why? because i love myself. i can b by myself. i got booty calls on stand by. my nights will b far from lonely. i got my friends to talk to. i got my family to make me laugh and give me purpose. i have myself to give me purpose.

your job is minimal at best.

and with this economy on a down swing… believe anyone can be replaced.

07.14.12.16.39

how can i be faulted? i’m the only one looking out for my heart. everyone is out to take advantage and all i’m doing is trying to protect her.

06.12.12.08.45

I wish you didn’t haunt me so much.

But I can’t help loving our moments together when I’m deep asleep and I can see your face, hear your voice, touch your skin, and simply be in your presence. The saddest part it always waking up and realizing it was just a dream.

05.27.12.00.17

I’m not asking you to apologize for not coming sooner. Because atleast you eventually came. But by that time I had already felt forgotten.

I’m not asking you to apologize for what you did or didn’t do. But for how I already felt from earlier it just added to the loneliness I felt alone in that room.

I’m asking you to apologize because you contributed to me feeling those things. Yet asking for an apologize almost feels pointless.

Because if the roles had been reversed and I arrived very late. And found out later that I made you feel forgotten. I would have felt horrible and told you I’m sorry I made you feel that way.

If I had left you in the room alone while you were already feeling the way you felt and then lonely on top of everything. I would take you in my arms and tell you I’m sorry I made you feel lonely.

Because I care if you are hurt. And most importantly if it is I that am causing you pain. Regardless if I personally believe that I am truly at fault or not. It is knowing that to you, I hurt you. That is what I would apologize for.

But for you having already stated that it isn’t your fault that I feel the way I feel. U are already telling me you don’t care if I am hurt nor if I feel you are the cause of that hurt.

So to ask you to care. To ask you to acknowledge that I see u as the cause of my pain. To ask you to empathize or want to correct how I see you is meaningless.

You should have listened to what I was saying. You should have cared enough about how I felt.

You should have, but you didn’t.

05.18.12.00.48

Social networking is so tiring.

Constantly checking in on people. Having other people all in your business. All those ads. The constant feeds. That’s why I prefer anonymousness.

Of my 300+ “friends” on FB I only sincerely care about less than 20. And I prefer to be constantly contacted by less than 5.

Random

When you accidentally throw away silverware and you think for a second that it would be better to leave it than having to stick your hand in the garbage to retrieve it.